Song to the siren

versão para a música do Tim Buckley

À deriva em mar deserto
Tudo eu fiz para sorrir
Teu canto trouxe-me perto
De onde nunca mais saí
Em teu canto, tu dizias
"Abra as velas, vem a mim
Cá estou eu, cá estou eu a esperar-te"

Sonhei eu que me sonhavas
Era eu lebre e tu raposa
Tolo barco, agora aderna
Acamado em praia eterna
Você canta "não me toques
Hoje não, quem sabe quando"
Em meu peito, envergonhado,
Se esconde meu coração
Tonto como uma ostra Confusa como a maré Presa na rebentação Entregando-me sem fé Ouço-te ainda a cantar "Venha a mim, quero abraçar-te Cá estou eu, cá estou eu a esperar-te"

Man, we were stupid and contagious!!! – Pt. 4

We hadn’t much time for she really had to be up early so we had our sandwiches at Gorilla’s and I drove her home.

We were talking about how we didn’t really mingle with each other’s crowd. And that it might have prevented it for such a long time, but finally, we got something happening.

She said I looked different from everybody else in the pack and try to explain in what ways.

I got flattered, especially when she pointed out that, just like her, I was not to be seen around with someone, as in an actual, solid relationship. I mean, it was much more noticeable and surprising that she was mostly alone, being so beautiful and charming, than me, being so normal and quite sloppy, as her friends used to refer to me, she admitted, confirming my suspicions.

I told her I was totally, massively impressed by the way she totally draw attention, everywhere, and how she had no problem with that. She seemed to be always in control, she was the star of the show, and played that role with grace and naturally.

We managed to keep it our romance out of sight and when it was over, nobody would believe it happened. I dream about those days and it’s so real, so strong, that I wonder if it was not only dreams the whole memories I keep.

Man, we were stupid and contagious!!! – Pt. 2

I had a few drinks and shared some laughter with Eleanor’s friends but I really didn’t dig the whole scene. Most of them didn’t even noticed when I raised a timid toast announcing I had to leave but couldn’t hide their surprise when she asked me to wait a minute because she was leaving too. Before any suspicion gained terrain among those minds, none of which really friendly towards me, Eleanor explained she had a flight early in the morning.

“What now?” she asked me as we were leaving.

What about grabbing a sandwich at Gorilla’s?

“You really like Gorilla’s?”

Yeah, they’re just fine. Do you like Dead Kennedys?

“No, not really, but why are you asking me?”

“You really like gorillas” is the first line of one of their songs, one of their best songs…

She picked the book and read the dedication once more. “These all come from lyrics, am I right? Is it supposed to make any sense? You’re not jumping in anybody else’s train, you know I’m not committed to anybody, if that’s what you meant. Or did you mean jumping in my train? well, as you know, I don’t stay put in a relationship…”

Yes, I know. Jumping in your train, as I thought, was like to sneak into your life so we could travel a bit of the road together. Pardon me, I have this thing going on, like I think through the lyrics of the songs I listen to…

“Or books you read? Why this book, what is it you’re suggesting, sexual enlightenment or experimentation?”

No, nothing about books. I don’t even read them anymore. I read through some of the pages of this one. You were talking to Susan last time at Johnny’s, she said she doesn’t like it, when people give her perfume, that it is a very personal choice. You said you feel the same about books.

“So what?”

You were using Anaïs Anaïs…

Ok, Let’s do it – Part 2

W.W. took care of our registration, sending our forms through the internet but there was still papers to be delivered and others to be signed. So I took lunch time to visit the Doors to Ancient Wisdom. Yes, imagine what a bore I was getting into.

It was the last day for registration, so there was a little queue. Before I asked anyone, the attractive young lady standing at the end of the line, seeing the lost and confused expression in my face as I approached, smiled and asked me:

“Are you new here?” Yes… “I had to drop the course in the middle of the last semester, so we’re going to be in the same class, I guess.” Really? “I’m April.” I’m August… “What!?” You’re kidding me?” No…

She was called and left me with no further comment, but before entering the room she looked back, waved her hand and smiled at me.

I was called into another room and didn’t meet her again when I came out.

Ok, Let’s do it – Part 4

We missed classes on that which would be the first day at the philosophy night school. At least I discovered it was a serious course after all.

Nadine, a fine friend told us. She entered the bar as we were paying our bill. It was no hard decision to stay. Both W.W. and I had a crush on her, and we never managed coming to a compromise on how should we deal with it, she was amazed to know later that evening.

Her nowadays ex-husband was a lecturer at the Doors to Ancient Wisdom and Dean at the city University and worked on a covenant that enabled the short term courses to get credit recognition for the regular university program.

W.W. made a few calls and in a few minutes we were reunited with some of the hardcore members of our once large and lousy crowd.

Nostalgia was set in. We could not believe how, with a few exceptions, everyone had got so distant from each other.

Stories, some of them, were remembered, mostly with joy and enthusiasm. I got dizzy with the first cigarettes in almost five years.

Some regrettable events showed up, recalling reasons that contributed to the chilling of some relations. I had been lowering my daily smoking and finally quitted when I started dating Olivia.

The whole table cracked laughing when I was seriously trying to make a point on why there couldn’t possibly exist an animal with more than six legs that could have wings and fly. That made me aware that it was time I stopped drinking and got home while I still had some reasoning left to give explanations, though I really didn’t think they would be asked.

You Never Can Tell – Pt. 5

The thrill of a live show is by far the most enthralling and disturbing experience, in my opinion. I don’t mean the great gigs, famous, almost famous, once famous acts… Never cared for those, would rather buy me the album, if I cared.

This is what I mean, an unknown band, a band you’re friends with the drummer, a band you’re in.

A school auditorium, a broken theater, a public space, a garage bar.

A crowd would be a few hundreds, many of which you know at least by sight, the crowd you’re in, or no crowd at all.

All kinds of nuisance, delays, hot beer, improvisation.

Sounds more like a nightmare? Maybe but when you are inside it, people, gear, skills, everything so within your own possibilities, it feels real like you could be the next to step up the stage.

And to whatever extent you have or will experience it, you will be poisoned by frustration with the mere notion of something bigger you can’t grasp.

“Here, let me get you a cold one…”

The Rain, It Won’t Stop – Pt. 2

“Leaving too soon…”

(shoulders high in the room, I whispered the words as they came to my mouth)

“Sorry?”

No, I didn’t say anything, I just… I’m just… (wondering aloud)

“When Walter Williams told me you were coming, I thought I would have the chance to get to know you a little bit… Stay…”

(Boingo! I told him there was something in the air, he told me to stop acting like Mr. Jones!) I’m so tired. (I lied) I haven’t slept (a wink… Words were flowing out, like endless rain, drifting through my open mind again, filling the cracks in my ceiling and… I was starting to worry about me. I thought I was cured.)

“Come on! I’ve made some guacamole, there’s sour cream, W.W., it’s how you call him?, brought every different type of Doritos…”

(I looked inside over her shoulder to the top table, then away into the falling rain, as if my decision depended on a precise calculation which did not include her wish, hoping maybe that a distant thunderbolt and lightning made the call. She had made an undisguisable move to make me stay. She must have rushed through the saloon, under everyone’s attention, she somehow let me know that she knew that I liked Mexican food, she completely got exposed… I was trying to minimize it, so that she would not feel so vulnerable. I would be finding soon that there was no reason for that)

Ok then, I could get a taste of your guaca.

(She smiled, grabbed my hand and said to W.W., who came to see what was taking place between us.)

“Here, look who was leaving without paying the bill…”

(“Let him go! Bismillah”) (I could hear he screaming silently…)

I was just catching a view of the rain… But if there’s a bill to pay let’s make it worth!

(W.W. took her other arm, laughed out loud, because it was the one thing he hadn’t been trying. People looked at us kind of strange, as if they were suddenly abducted from Mexico City to Paris.) (France…)

Man, we were stupid and contagious!!! – Pt. 3

The next time we met we were back where we first crossed paths, about a year ago, and finally had some real conversation only a month earlier.

Although she wasn’t strange at all to the place, if it was a match I would say I had home advantage.

But only because I used to clock-in daily, I mean nightly at the place, while she was to be seen and recognized all over the city. Sometimes I was among the first to arrive, sometimes I stayed until closing time. Not scarcely both.

We arrived early at the same time that day. There was another couple but they were finishing a late lunch and then we had the room completely to ourselves. Nonetheless I took the usual table, in the back, around the inner corner.

I was on time and so was she. I guess the smile we shared comprised our mutual approval for that. Not for the sake of punctuality, but for some silent agreement on the necessity of having some time alone just the two of us.

Another thing I remember was some exchanges of looks among the waiters and the fact that only Wally “the Gator” came to our table and sounded unnaturally respectful. I liked that.

As I said she was not as regular as myself, but she knew all the waiters and was known by all. I’m sure she noticed they were kind of happy to see us together, like wondering if we were “together”.

After a few moments we were back to our previous conversation, like we hadn’t been a whole week apart.

Ok, Let’s do it – Part 3

“I’ll pass by your house and give you a ride.”

My friend W. W. knew how I feel about first days at school, meaning every first day attending any new classes. I actually have all kinds of nightmares, from not finding the classroom to not realizing what I’m going there for in the first place.

But I was planning to stick around downtown after work until 19h30.

“Good, I’ll catch up with you and we’ll grab something to eat, then. What about the old place? It’s been a time, uh? I’ve heard it might be closing doors for good…”

What a pity, for so many time we have hanged around that hot corner of the city, until there was only one last bar left.

I have strolled around for a bit longer than I expected so when I reached W.W. he was halfway through with his sandwich and mine was being served by Wally Gator, my favorite waiter. Perfect timing after all, if not for the fact that he gobbles his food at least four times faster than I played with mine.

That left him a lot of idle-mouth time, which he filled with loose conversation with the waiters, trying to keep up to date.

Two guys, whose ages combined exceeded a century, like getting ready for school. I could sense he was agitated and I was trying to stay cool.

Although it meant to me nothing but an excuse for staying out long enough to avoid finding my wife awake when I get home, I was feeling an unpleasant tightness in my stomach.

My friend’s excitement was evident and I have tried to warn him to disguise it. I knew he would not listen and he knew I was really worried about myself.

Man, we were stupid and contagious!!! – Pt. 1

It started of so well. In fact, it could not get much worse, since I feel like jumping someone else’s train. But I know what I will find and I will never shed a tear, if not for you.

With this kind of weird handwritten dedication on Anaïs Nin’s A Spy in the House of Love, a well-thought-out approach, in several senses and to its fine details, I made real what no one else ever even dared to dream.

I chose a used copy but in very good condition, so you could guess a single previous owner, that could either be myself or a close friend.

I held it discreetly as I entered the bar, not to sound snooty. That was the biggest risk I took. Many, many of the regular customers of that clip joint were really rather snobbish.

That was a fine line and I treaded it gracefully. The book felt naturally in my hands even when I used it to point her a vacant table.

We left the counter and as soon as we sat down, before she had the time to ask about it, which she surely would do the next thing, I wrote down those somewhat enigmatic lines right on the front cover.

By the time she had read them, the table was already crowded. So she slipped the book into her purse.