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Ok, Let’s do it – Part 4

We missed classes on that which would be the first day at the philosophy night school. At least I discovered it was a serious course after all.

Nadine, a fine friend told us. She entered the bar as we were paying our bill. It was no hard decision to stay. Both W.W. and I had a crush on her, and we never managed coming to a compromise on how should we deal with it, she was amazed to know later that evening.

Her nowadays ex-husband was a lecturer at the Doors to Ancient Wisdom and Dean at the city University and worked on a covenant that enabled the short term courses to get credit recognition for the regular university program.

W.W. made a few calls and in a few minutes we were reunited with some of the hardcore members of our once large and lousy crowd.

Nostalgia was set in. We could not believe how, with a few exceptions, everyone had got so distant from each other.

Stories, some of them, were remembered, mostly with joy and enthusiasm. I got dizzy with the first cigarettes in almost five years.

Some regrettable events showed up, recalling reasons that contributed to the chilling of some relations. I had been lowering my daily smoking and finally quitted when I started dating Olivia.

The whole table cracked laughing when I was seriously trying to make a point on why there couldn’t possibly exist an animal with more than six legs that could have wings and fly. That made me aware that it was time I stopped drinking and got home while I still had some reasoning left to give explanations, though I really didn’t think they would be asked.

You Never Can Tell – Pt. 5

The thrill of a live show is by far the most enthralling and disturbing experience, in my opinion. I don’t mean the great gigs, famous, almost famous, once famous acts… Never cared for those, would rather buy me the album, if I cared.

This is what I mean, an unknown band, a band you’re friends with the drummer, a band you’re in.

A school auditorium, a broken theater, a public space, a garage bar.

A crowd would be a few hundreds, many of which you know at least by sight, the crowd you’re in, or no crowd at all.

All kinds of nuisance, delays, hot beer, improvisation.

Sounds more like a nightmare? Maybe but when you are inside it, people, gear, skills, everything so within your own possibilities, it feels real like you could be the next to step up the stage.

And to whatever extent you have or will experience it, you will be poisoned by frustration with the mere notion of something bigger you can’t grasp.

“Here, let me get you a cold one…”

The Rain, It Won’t Stop – Pt. 2

“Leaving too soon…”

(shoulders high in the room, I whispered the words as they came to my mouth)


No, I didn’t say anything, I just… I’m just… (wondering aloud)

“When Walter Williams told me you were coming, I thought I would have the chance to get to know you a little bit… Stay…”

(Boingo! I told him there was something in the air, he told me to stop acting like Mr. Jones!) I’m so tired. (I lied) I haven’t slept (a wink… Words were flowing out, like endless rain, drifting through my open mind again, filling the cracks in my ceiling and… I was starting to worry about me. I thought I was cured.)

“Come on! I’ve made some guacamole, there’s sour cream, W.W., it’s how you call him?, brought every different type of Doritos…”

(I looked inside over her shoulder to the top table, then away into the falling rain, as if my decision depended on a precise calculation which did not include her wish, hoping maybe that a distant thunderbolt and lightning made the call. She had made an undisguisable move to make me stay. She must have rushed through the saloon, catching everyone’s eye, she somehow let me know that she knew that I liked Mexican food, she got completely exposed… I was trying to minimize it, so that she would not feel so vulnerable. As I would soon find out, there was no reason for that)

Ok then, I could get a taste of your guaca.

(She smiled, grabbed my hand and said to W.W., who came to see what was taking place between us.)

“Here, look who was leaving without paying the bill…”

(“Let him go! Bismillah”) (I could hear he screaming silently…)

I was just catching a view of the rain… But if there’s a bill to pay let’s make it worth it!

(W.W. took her other arm, laughed out loud because it was the one thing he hadn’t been trying. People looked at us kind of strange, as if they were suddenly abducted from Mexico City to Paris.) (France, not Texas…)

Man, we were stupid and contagious!!! – Pt. 3

The next time we met we were back where we first crossed paths, about a year ago, and finally had some real conversation only a month earlier.

Although she wasn’t strange at all to the place, if it was a match I would say I had home advantage.

But only because I used to clock-in daily, I mean nightly at the place, while she was to be seen and recognized all over the city. Sometimes I was among the first to arrive, sometimes I stayed until closing time. Not scarcely both.

We arrived early at the same time that day. There was another couple but they were finishing a late lunch and then we had the room completely to ourselves. Nonetheless I took the usual table, in the back, around the inner corner.

I was on time and so was she. I guess the smile we shared comprised our mutual approval for that. Not for the sake of punctuality, but for some silent agreement on the necessity of having some time alone just the two of us.

Another thing I remember was some exchanges of looks among the waiters and the fact that only Wally “the Gator” came to our table and sounded unnaturally respectful. I liked that.

As I said she was not as regular as myself, but she knew all the waiters and was known by all. I’m sure she noticed they were kind of happy to see us together, like wondering if we were “together”.

After a few moments we were back to our previous conversation, like we hadn’t been a whole week apart.

Ok, Let’s do it – Part 3

“I’ll pass by your house and give you a ride.”

My friend W. W. knew how I feel about first days at school, meaning every first day attending any new classes. I actually have all kinds of nightmares, from not finding the classroom to not realizing what I’m going there for in the first place.

But I was planning to stick around downtown after work until 19h30.

“Good, I’ll catch up with you and we’ll grab something to eat, then. What about the old place? It’s been a time, uh? I’ve heard it might be closing doors for good…”

What a pity, for so many time we have hanged around that hot corner of the city, until there was only one last bar left.

I have strolled around for a bit longer than I expected so when I reached W.W. he was halfway through with his sandwich and mine was being served by Wally Gator, my favorite waiter. Perfect timing after all, if not for the fact that he gobbles his food at least four times faster than I played with mine.

That left him a lot of idle-mouth time, which he filled with loose conversation with the waiters, trying to keep up to date.

Two guys, whose ages combined exceeded a century, like getting ready for school. I could sense he was agitated and I was trying to stay cool.

Although it meant to me nothing but an excuse for staying out long enough to avoid finding my wife awake when I get home, I was feeling an unpleasant tightness in my stomach.

My friend’s excitement was evident and I have tried to warn him to disguise it. I knew he would not listen and he knew I was really worried about myself.

Man, we were stupid and contagious!!! – Pt. 1

It started off a so well. In fact, it could not get much worse, since I feel like jumping someone else’s train. But I know what I will find and I will never shed a tear, if not for you.

With this kind of weird handwritten dedication on Anaïs Nin’s A Spy in the House of Love, a well-thought-out approach, in several senses and to its fine details, I made real what no one else ever even dared to dream.

I chose a used copy but in very good condition, so you could guess a single previous owner, that could either be myself or a close friend.

I held it discreetly as I entered the bar, not to sound snooty. That was the biggest risk I took. Many, many of the regular customers of that clip joint were really rather snobbish.

That was a fine line and I treaded it gracefully. The book felt naturally in my hands even when I used it to point her a vacant table.

We left the counter and as soon as we sat down, before she had the time to ask about it, which she surely would do the next thing, I wrote down those somewhat enigmatic lines right on the front cover.

By the time she had read them, the table was already crowded. So she slipped the book into her purse.

Bohemian Rhapsody

versão para a canção do Queen

Isso que a vida traz
Guardado para mim
Não quero ouvir mais
Quero estar bem longe daqui
Olho pra trás É fácil dizer adeus "Sai dessa vida Não tem que ser assim" Mas eu nem sei como começar Alguém tem que me ajudar A brisa vem do mar Anunciar o meu fim O meu fim Mãe, matei um cara O bandido estava armado Mandei bala no safado Mãe, eu também fui ferido Mas de que adianta, sei que agora é tarde Mãe, eu não quero te ver chorar Se eu não voltar também não fique triste Melhor deixar para lá Esquece que este filho existe Não sei o que vai ser Da minha vida sem você Não vou mais poder te ver Tchau pra todo o mundo Vou dar no pé Largar tudo e ir até onde puder Mãe, eu não queria morrer
Sem descobrir pra quê que eu fui nascer Acho que ainda dá tempo de eu fugir Se eu correr por aqui Vou parar num barranco Tudo que é malandro Vem correndo atrás de mim (O trem tá feio) O trem tá feio (O trem tá feio) O trem tá feio O trem tá feio para mim (vai se fuder!) Se eu pudesse voltar atrás (Se alguém pudesse encontrar algo mais Espero que ao menos tenham compaixão de ti) A polícia chegou, foi você que chamou? (Polícia! Não, acho que ainda é pior!) ((É pior!)) (Milícia! Então, você nunca ajudou!) ((É pior!)) (Milícia! Você nunca ajudou!) ((É pior!)) Nunca ajudou ((É pior!)) Nunca, nunca, nunca, nunca Nunca ajudou Não, não, não, não, não Nem mesmo a Virgem Maria Nem o Cristo Redentor Teriam juntos conseguido me tirar daqui
Daqui, daqui Essa é só uma das voltas que a vida dá Você pensa que eu não sei que vão me matar Não sou besta Sei o que me aguarda Só queria falar Só queria falar outra vez Nada mais importa É chegado o fim Nada mais importa Nada mais importa
Pra mim


versão para a canção do Guilherme Arantes

 May tomorrow
 Be a beautiful day
 All the mad happiness
 You could ever think of
 Come tomorrow
 May our strength be doubled
 Upwards and ceaselessly
 It shall always grow
 Won't survive tomorrow
 Above what's illusory
 The Sun King will shine bright
 And tomorrow
 The luminosity
 Regardless to anyone's will
 Will be reigning
 In tomorrow
 Lies everyone's hopes
 Even the tiniest ones
 That exist and must thrive
 For tomorrow
 In spite of today
 There will come forth a road
 We shall thread in
 And tomorrow
 Though some just don't want to
 Belongs to those who'll wait 'til
 The break of the new day
 When tomorrow
 Hatred has been soothed
 Fear has been smoothed over
 Will be plenty
 Will be plenty

Ok, Let’s do it – Part 1

Ok, let’s do it.

It was about the seventh time my friend W. W. insisted that I joined him in the night philosophy course held by some obscure not-church run association.

It was all he learned about it, since he first invited me. Then he knew nothing and totally didn’t care. I had plenty of good reasons for staying out that foolish attempt to socialize with younger people, being this his only reason in. He was not ashamed of it at all.

I could have told I was never really into socializing but he knew that already, and for years tried unsuccessfully to change my ways.

He also knew that my philosophical distresses belonged in the past and that, rather than confident, I would be uneasy among less learned people. And ashamed, of course, that my intentions and his were seen as one and the same.

But he appealed to my loyalty to an old friend, newly divorced, so I had to appeal to something higher, my utter rejection of anything minimally resembling religion.

After feebly putting away that risk, that they would be twisting logical arguments to undermine human reasoning capacities and come out with some sort of mystic solution, he didn’t offer me any more details on the whole thing.

Although I knew the reason I was doing it, I was as much surprised as he when I said yes, let’s do it.

He looked at me quite intrigued but no question came out of his mouth. I thought he preferred not to ask me why I have changed my mind in fear that I would back down. But I’m almost sure now that the look in his eyes, and the way he hugged me, meant he was aware of my motivation then.

The Rain, It Won’t Stop – Pt. 1

I was about to leave the party after a short stay and a brief conversation. I stood in the hallway for a few seconds, watched the rain outside and decided. It was already stopping but it wouldn’t soon, and I have always enjoyed walking in the rain. Even though there would be no one around to rush me in, hold my head beneath the towel, scold me for always not hearing but ruining all those educational efforts by giving me the best reward, a hot cup of cocoa. “I must have some cocoa powder, I can’t avoid buying it but I never take the time to enjoy having it.” That thought gave me the final reason and set me in motion.

I don’t remember if it was her calling or her touching my shoulder that stopped me.